Friday, June 6, 2014

Mistakes made out of desperation and loneliness

Some day after I die, people will finally realize how lonely I have always been. I never wanted to marry my first husband, but because I had to get away from my Father I did. Then I stood with my first husband  because I wanted to make my marriage work. I got married to a cheat and a liar who later got sick and mentally tortured me. I didn’t want to have other men, so I decided that I would go back to my husband. God had other plans so he took my husband with him. At last I was free, but my children grew up and one of them gave me a hard time. Once again, my first love Lefty found me and thinking that I would finally find happiness I went to live with him. Big mistake, Lefty had become an alcoholic and had 22 kids with different women, and he became controlling and threw me out with my daughter pregnant. My oldest son's girl let us stay there, and one night Lefty went to see me, apologized and wanted me to go back with him. I had no intention of going back with him, but when My son threw me out because Lefty slept that night at his girl’s apartment. I understand his frustration, but I had no where to go, so I went back with Lefty. After five years living hell with Lefty, I was finally able to break the spell he had on me and Left.

I went to live with my aunt until I found my own place. Weeks later my aunt asked me to move out, and I went to live with my daughter. I hated the way her husband treated her, at the time. My late aunt’s husband asked me to move in with him. It would be a business proposition, he needed a woman and someone to cook and take care of the house and he would help me. I wanted to get out of my daughter’s house so I agreed.  I had no income and no money.We found an apartment on his sister-in-laws building five flights up. Everything was going good; he wanted to marry me, until my father’s family began to argue because I was living with my late aunt’s husband. I tried to explain it was not a love thing but they did not listen, two of my aunts wanted him too. One day he moved out because he thought that I was doing witchcraft on him. I didn’t care because I did not want him any way. I just needed a place to live. The rent was too much for me, because the only income I had at the time was welfare and they only paid half the rent. I couldn't find a job either at my age. Once again, I was in desperate need. I then met my now husband  and being ignorant about drugs, I let him stay on the couch, and he paid half the rent. Little did I know my worst nightmare was about to begin. My boyfriend is a drug addict, and he stole from me. I hated the idea of living with different men so I stood with my boyfriend hoping that he would stop using drugs. He tried, but couldn’t. I took him to the VA hospital and they found that he uses drug because he is bi-polar, has a compulsive behavior and they gave him medication.MY boyfriend continued to use drugs, and after I got my Social Security pension and JC Penney settlement, I decided to leave him and move to Florida by myself. The day my youngest son took the truck to move my things, My boyfriend jumped on the truck and went with him. My son did not know that I did not want My boyfriend to go. Once again I had the nightmare with me.

I then thought that maybe My boyfriend would stop using drugs being that he was in another state.  My boyfriend did not do drugs but became an alcoholic, and he drinks he is very dangerous. I went to New York to stay a while then come back to Florida alone. My kids didn’t understand that I was living in hell and did not want to live with my boyfriend ever. No one listened to me, and he came back. Months later My boyfriend got drunk and violent and I had to call 911. He did not try to hurt me, he just broke everything in the house.

I thought this time he learned his lesson, but to this day My boyfriend, now husband still drinks and gives me bad flashbacks. I can’ tell anyone, because they think I asked for this, and do not understand that it is not or it has never been what I want, but what I had to do. Now I am numb as to what to do. I want to leave him in New York, let his family see the hell that I am going through. His family and my family think that I love him so much and I can’t live without him. Truth of the matter is, that My husband's family don’t want to deal with him, and my kids don’t want to have the burden of taking care of me. What am I going to do? I don’t know, but do something I will.

I refuse to live like this and I won’t, even if I have to die for it! At my age, who cares!
  No one believes me any way!

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