Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Will it ever end?

Today I feel numb, when is it ever going to end? When I write what I feel, other get hurt. What happened to me? Is it OK when  others hurt me? Well my selective amnesia works. The moment that someone hurts me or do me wrong, stop talking to me and I don't know why, I do what I am doing now, write it down and forget it ever happened. I'm dammed if I do, dammed if I don't. My blood pressure went down only for it to go up again!
Maybe my old age has turned me into an "I don't care anymore" person. I have revised my  books, writing new ones, looking for a Traditional Publisher to republish my book. Whatever happens I will deal with it.
I know of many Seniors that give up, and prune until they die. I will die fighting!

Friday, June 6, 2014

Mistakes made out of desperation and loneliness

Some day after I die, people will finally realize how lonely I have always been. I never wanted to marry my first husband, but because I had to get away from my Father I did. Then I stood with my first husband  because I wanted to make my marriage work. I got married to a cheat and a liar who later got sick and mentally tortured me. I didn’t want to have other men, so I decided that I would go back to my husband. God had other plans so he took my husband with him. At last I was free, but my children grew up and one of them gave me a hard time. Once again, my first love Lefty found me and thinking that I would finally find happiness I went to live with him. Big mistake, Lefty had become an alcoholic and had 22 kids with different women, and he became controlling and threw me out with my daughter pregnant. My oldest son's girl let us stay there, and one night Lefty went to see me, apologized and wanted me to go back with him. I had no intention of going back with him, but when My son threw me out because Lefty slept that night at his girl’s apartment. I understand his frustration, but I had no where to go, so I went back with Lefty. After five years living hell with Lefty, I was finally able to break the spell he had on me and Left.

I went to live with my aunt until I found my own place. Weeks later my aunt asked me to move out, and I went to live with my daughter. I hated the way her husband treated her, at the time. My late aunt’s husband asked me to move in with him. It would be a business proposition, he needed a woman and someone to cook and take care of the house and he would help me. I wanted to get out of my daughter’s house so I agreed.  I had no income and no money.We found an apartment on his sister-in-laws building five flights up. Everything was going good; he wanted to marry me, until my father’s family began to argue because I was living with my late aunt’s husband. I tried to explain it was not a love thing but they did not listen, two of my aunts wanted him too. One day he moved out because he thought that I was doing witchcraft on him. I didn’t care because I did not want him any way. I just needed a place to live. The rent was too much for me, because the only income I had at the time was welfare and they only paid half the rent. I couldn't find a job either at my age. Once again, I was in desperate need. I then met my now husband  and being ignorant about drugs, I let him stay on the couch, and he paid half the rent. Little did I know my worst nightmare was about to begin. My boyfriend is a drug addict, and he stole from me. I hated the idea of living with different men so I stood with my boyfriend hoping that he would stop using drugs. He tried, but couldn’t. I took him to the VA hospital and they found that he uses drug because he is bi-polar, has a compulsive behavior and they gave him medication.MY boyfriend continued to use drugs, and after I got my Social Security pension and JC Penney settlement, I decided to leave him and move to Florida by myself. The day my youngest son took the truck to move my things, My boyfriend jumped on the truck and went with him. My son did not know that I did not want My boyfriend to go. Once again I had the nightmare with me.

I then thought that maybe My boyfriend would stop using drugs being that he was in another state.  My boyfriend did not do drugs but became an alcoholic, and he drinks he is very dangerous. I went to New York to stay a while then come back to Florida alone. My kids didn’t understand that I was living in hell and did not want to live with my boyfriend ever. No one listened to me, and he came back. Months later My boyfriend got drunk and violent and I had to call 911. He did not try to hurt me, he just broke everything in the house.

I thought this time he learned his lesson, but to this day My boyfriend, now husband still drinks and gives me bad flashbacks. I can’ tell anyone, because they think I asked for this, and do not understand that it is not or it has never been what I want, but what I had to do. Now I am numb as to what to do. I want to leave him in New York, let his family see the hell that I am going through. His family and my family think that I love him so much and I can’t live without him. Truth of the matter is, that My husband's family don’t want to deal with him, and my kids don’t want to have the burden of taking care of me. What am I going to do? I don’t know, but do something I will.

I refuse to live like this and I won’t, even if I have to die for it! At my age, who cares!
  No one believes me any way!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Senior in need

Amazing how neighbors in Florida and many other places behave. An old lady of “Christian faith,” falls down on her front lawn, she had left her emergency devise in the house. Unable to get up, crawling towards her house, screaming for help, yet no one hears her. Fort Smith Avenue in Deltona, Fla. has cars driving by, yet no one notices the woman on the floor. Spending almost 13 hrs on the ground, she spent the entire night on the ground outside her front lawn unable to get up. Bugs, mosquitoes, and ants are attacking her. Finally, in the morning, her neighbor is about to go out to her car when she notices the old helpless woman on the floor. Together with her husband the neighbor help the old woman and take her inside the house. My husband Marco is called to go watch over her, at 7:15 a.m. Marco is not even related to the woman and we live a block and a half around the corner. The woman’s children are called, and finally her grandchildren appear. Marco came home, he could not wait for her children to arrive for it was late in the morning. 11:00 a.m. and Marco again s called to go take care of the woman because her grandchildren have a plane to catch. Her son is not yet there and Marco was asked to care for her until the son arrives.
Many Seniors live alone, have gone through this or similar incidents. The neighbors do not take the time to check on them. I know it is none of their business or responsibility, but a little help from a neighbor can some times be appreciated, for you never know when it will happen to you.
I know the feeling, it happened to me. I was in my garden planting seeds. All of a sudden I tripped, I felt the same horror when I fell down in JCPennys, and other times. I grabbed the first thing I could, a small branch from a small tree, but I seemed to go down slowly, as if some one was holding me, I slowly fell against my fence and landed on soft ground. Amazingly the dirt did not scratch me, and I felt as if the plants were cushioning my fall. as I landed on top of them too. I scream, calling Marco, but he had gone bike riding without my knowledge. I knew no one could either hear me or see me, I was between all the plants on the fence and garden. Besides neighbor around where I live, are never around or look out for each other. My neighbor Chris was working, and the Christian neighbors, many of them are neighbors, never take the time to even say “Hello.” I wanted to cry, because it felt like a dejavou, for a moment there I felt helpless. I could not get up, because I have a bad knee and my legs sometimes do not let me walk because of my herniated disc.
I sat down for a minute, and said, “Ruthy, you are not helpless, you will get up, there is no one to help you now but you and your guardians.” I summoned God, Goddess and my guardians, all of a sudden I looked at the fence, grabbing and holding to it, I was able to get up. I waited a second to catch my breath and slowly made it to the house. Thank God all I had was a small bruise, for my friends the plants, trees, and earth did not let me get hurt. Hours later Marco came home and I just wanted to kill him for leaving me alone and not telling me he was going out or where. Marco felt very guilty about leaving me alone, but I told him it was OK, for I had my friends here with me and they protected me from getting hurt. What is going to happen cannot be avoided.
I know how that lady felt when she fell down, It is a scary feeling to feel hurt and alone, but it hurts more when neighbors do not take the time to look out, and when your family neglects you. Take some time to look around, help your neighbors and do not neglect your parents. Remember everyone gets old, and you can experience the same or worse.